free day

fear is creeping all over me
i'm paranoid, i'll always be.

earlier i rode a jeepney going to UP from SM north when a suspicious-looking man rode the jeepney also and sat beside me even though there is already someone sitting beside me. and of course, ito na naman ako. i felt a pain in my heart, signs of being nervous. it's still here, the fear that someone will hurt me. but eventually the guy went down at philcoa with out harming anyone. another innocent guy turned criminal to my eye.
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it was my free day today. i went all the way to antipolo to just read numerous Heights (it is like a literary folio from Ateneo) entries and to play with the 7 month old Alex while my friends are doing their 122 project.

i planned on reading some academic stuffs while they do their project but i can't bring myself to doing it. so when i saw those books i read them. the writings were fine.

and i read a story from Linangan that is entitled GEYLUV. kakatuwa pero kakabitin. and my friend agreed with me for we are discussing it on our way to UP. we arrived at UP at around 8:15 pm and i'm already sleepy.

i was supposed to be happy but i can't fool, especially myself, that i'm indeed sad. i said it was ok and that it was fine, but its not. i want to talk to my friend about it but i'm sleeeeeeeepppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy already. maybe tomorrow. i'm currently watching "A Walk to Remember" at HBO. actually patapos na sya at pinatutugtog yung Cry. huhuhu

drunk

i wonder when will i feel the feeling of being drunk.

never been "really" drunk in my whole life. after gulping down 5 bottles of San Mig Light at my sister's debut about 4 years ago and after about 7 rounds of gin pomelo at my friend's debut about 3 years ago, I never came close to that state.

i wonder how it feels and do you really forget the present when you're drunk?

reminiscing

my friend asked me to save something in a diskette. she sent it to me through e-mail. i didn't have a spare diskette so i opened my old one and transferred all its files to my PC. this morning i had the luxury of using this PC of ours because my brother went to bed early (maybe he got tired of playing Oz World and Ragnarok, sana lang!) and i opened the files of my old diskette. that was the diskette i used 1st sem last year. that was the time when Mars went near the Earth and my life was miserable...

i saw one of my files, a poem i wrote for him. it was dated july 30, 2003 exactly a year ago. my friend was right, after sometime i would just laugh about it, not laugh about the poem but to what happened to us - to me and him. those were the days when i thought that i already love someone to find that it is infatuation rather than love. for i think i will never learn to love someone unless you will change my personality.

they say to love is to be happy for the person you love when he is happy. but when he already found his happiness what i felt was bitterness. maybe the situations worsen things up that is why I’m bitter. now i realize it is more of a remorse than bitterness.

that was before, like 11 months ago, but now I’m happy with my life and I have moved on long ago.

just reminiscing about a guy we once called rain.

for you 3

i've waited for this but i'm backing out. this explains it all. my message for you:
 
 i think i'll be giving up on you. not because i can't take things anymore but because i know there is nothing in store for us, no future for us (even the friendship i want, i think is far from its realization). you are who you are and nothing would change that. your personality is more complex than i thought. we can be friends,maybe. hopefully...
 
7/28/04 06:32 am 

t - shirt

last sunday i bought (with my mom's money and mine combined, thanks mommy!) a shirt from Human which says in front "PLEASE DON'T" and at the back "REVEAL MY SECRET".  what are my secrets that can't be revealed, i wonder. there are some, but I'm the only one who knows them. no one can ever reveal them.

i'm going to wear the shirt tomorrow.

to clear things up these secrets are not substantial to the present but i can't reveal them now, maybe when i'm older hehe.

i have my picture already! thanks to photobucket.com.

i'm supposed to write many things in here. but i need to study. maybe after the exam on thursday and on saturday i'll start fixing the HTML code for my template. i didn't get to hear the SONA because my siblings are watching something else (cable TV). i'll try to find the context in the internet maybe tomorrow morning.
 
NOTE: wear Black tomorrow, KEM pictorial Ü 
=============================================
i'm waiting for something, i hope it will come sooner than later...

awake

i woke up realizing what i did wrong in two out of four problems in my exam yesterday. the first one, i don't really know what to do in the first part and when i thought i got all right already then i realize that what i did will yield the expected result that's why it is not acceptable. well, i don't really know how to do it.
 
then the second mistake is about geometry. it is clear what value i want to yield, but because i got the SOH-CAH-TOA rule jumbled in my mind i end up using the wrong equation. i will demand to my professor when the result comes out. i know what i'm doing and what i need to solve in the problem...
 
i'm still in search of a blog skin...*sigh* and basurero thanks for the help : )

blog skin

i'm looking for a new blog skin for my blog of course. but i can't seem to find something that i like. i want a black background that doesn't look gloomy... the search is on. but i'll probably look for it later or some other time. i have an exam today.

uwian

kahapon nung uwian na e sumabay ako sa kaibigan kong may kotse pauwi kasi babasahin ko yung beerkadang iuuwi nya hehe. nakakatawa at syempre nabitin ako kasi di naman ganon kalayo ang UP sa SM (aming destinasyon) buti na lang medyo may traffic kaya mas napahaba kahit ng unti lang ang reading time ko. nakakatawa talaga, kaya hindi na ako maka-paghintay magmonday para mahiram ko na ng lubusan yung beerkada.
 
nung pauwi kami tatlo kami sa kotse at bigla na divert ang usapan sa mga crush at  may crush sa kanila. naku wala na naman akong macontribute sa usapan kung di ang crush kong hehe... pero dun sa part na may crush sa'kin, wala, kaya quiet lang ako. hay kelan kaya ako may macocontribute sa usapan na ganon. haha here i go again.
 
sa SM kami nagtungo kasi bibili ng regalo para sa boyps nya ang kaibigan ko. naghahanap sya ng card para sa boyps nya. ang hirap talagang maghanap ng card para sa lalaki. naalala ko bigla nang halos one year na ang nakalipas at noong panahong yun e hirap na hirap rin akong maghanap ng card para sa same person na yon, yung boyps ng friend ko, na friend ko rin. inaway ko kasi sya noon, kung bakit sa'ming dalawa na lang yon. tapos naki-pagbati na ako bago sya magbirthday at nagdecide akong bigyan sya ng something nung birthday nya at kung ano ulit yon amin na lang rin uli yon. basta sinamahan ko ng card. mali pa nga ako ng pagkakaintindi sa pahayag nung card na nabili ko. hehe pero halos pareho naman ng gusto kong iparating sa kanya yung nakasulat dun sa card kaya pwede na. oo nga, halos isang taon na yon no.
 
and speaking of birthdays, napagtanto ko na nakalimutan ko na naman yung birthday ng friend (ibang friend ito). naku lagot-lagut na talaga ako sa taong ito... lagi ko na lang nakakalimutan ang birthday nya...
 
at kahapon habang naghahanap kami ng card sa National bookstore e nasabi ko sa friend ko na gusto kong may gawin para sa crush ko bago matapos ang sem. ano kayang magandang gawin o ibigay sa kanya? naalala ko na meron syang certain look na nagstick sa mind ko, tatooed on my mind kung baga. *sigh*

for my childhood friend

i saw you earlier, in my dream. at first i saw your brother then i saw you. you're face is quite different but i know it was you. while your brother is playfully jumping up and down you just stared and smiled. then you're gone, you went inside your house and i woke up.

 

i wonder whatever happened to you. its been almost a year since we last saw each other and more years when we last talked. i wonder if you are still with that girl that i saw with you in front of our house. i remember turning off the lights in my bedroom just to look outside with out being seen by anyone. i wonder how old are you now, for your age is always a mystery never solved. you always hide that fact that i always wanted to know.

 

i wonder what you are doing with your life right now. i hope we can talk, i want to know what happened to you. just like before, i want to know the real you.

yosi

kita ko ang iyong lalagyan
nakahalundusay, nakabukas
nabawasan na ang laman
gusto kong kumuha, wala namang makakahalata
gusto kitang sindihan, hithitin at tikman
pero hindi pwede, hindi ko kaya.

freedom

nakalaya na si angelo dela cruz. salamat sa Diyos.

for you 2

i just want you to know that you made me happy once again...
 
i learned that things were not meant to be but well we are here. we met each other. i know this is weird, i know this is insane but i really do like you.

i hope after all these things you'll be my friend still. i hope...

rape

Earlier in my hum1 class we talked about rape because we read the poem “Gahasa” by Joi Barrios. It was an eye-opener because we did talk about guys being raped and according to my professor they did a survey before and according to the results of the survey more guys are raped than girls. But why it is the more prominent rape known is rape that has a girl as a victim. The points raised by my classmates made sense. Here are the points raised:
 

1. when a guy cries rape of course it would be weird. Many won’t believe because, as a classmate said, guys can’t seem to refuse when a girl attracts them for sex.
2. in a patriarchal society, like what we have, guys won’t admit that they were raped for that would mean that they admit that they are inferior.
 

There are many more points raised but these are the ones that made an impression on me. And you know what many believed that gays raped straight guys. But according to the survey girls raped those guys… whew those girls are gutsy. haha

questions

my head is aching, i studied from 1 am - 4am because i unconsciously fell asleep. schoolworks, i have plenty of them...

i remember seeing the guy in my dream, an old dream, yesterday. i can't decipher whether i'm the person with him at that dream and i can't remember what really happened. but all i can remember is that it is him who was there.

i'm wondering why sometimes we have strange dreams that haunts us. i want to why my dreams are like this. i believe that they have a meaning for me. but i don't know where to start looking for the answers.

all i have are questions but the answers are nowhere to be found...

so many things

so many things to do
so little time to do them
and so many distractions along the way...

pang ilang beses na ba akong nagcomplain about this... di ko na mabilang sa dami na. isang report, dalawang exam, isang seatwork at sangkatutak na responsibilities in one week. hay sana after this makapagpahinga ako at magawa ko lahat ng maayos.

in front of the computer

this is the third time i stayed in front of the computer after promising that i won't surf the net to make way for studying for my exam on saturday. i'm bad at keeping my no-internet promises.
 
but hey it is only 6:30 am, my braincells are not functioning that well yet. excuses. i need something to perk them up.
 
earlier i'm in front of the mirror, admiring my soft, out-of-the-bed hair. i always wonder why my hair is so beautiful only in the early morning. at school it is a total mess. *sigh* i hope to find a way for my hair to be at least nice at school. i'm thinking of using mane n' tail...
 
i'm thinking of many things right now but it seems that i can't find the words to express them. i'll try my very best...
 
i'm thinking of the next few months. what will happen to me...
 
it seems that my priorities are all going to the wrong places. i'm not happy with my course anymore. not just because of the stories of lack of jobs after graduation, but because of what i'm doing in my majors. and because i failed for the first time in one subject last summer (and there is a possibility of failing again this sem), i find it senseless, studying it all over again. i don't know what the future holds for me, but i'm sure of one thing: i don't want another classcard with a grade of 5.0!
 
actually there is more things inside my head, but for now this should be enough. next time maybe i'll pour them all, i mean almost all but not really all.

for you

i like you. i just want you to know that i like you.

you are not like the chinito guy i liked before.
you are not like the tall guy i liked before.
you are not like the dancer i liked before.

you are just you...

you are always a mystery for me. i still can't believe the things i learned about you. even though the things stated there are as clear as the morning sunshine, i still refuse to believe.

but i took it already, i think.

note: i wrote this so i can laugh about it in a months time or so...

ordinary day

just a day, just an ordinary day
just tryin' to get by

by vanessa carlton...

it is playing in my mind right now. i hope this day would be another ordinary day for me...

isip-isip

minsan may mga bagay na iniisip kang possibleng mangyari, sayo o sa paligid mo. minsan kahit ayaw mo namang mangyayari e naiisip mo pa rin ang mga posibilidad pero minsan meron kang hindi nakikitang mga bagay kaya minsan naiisip mong pwede syang mangyari kahit sa totoo e hindi naman.
 
minsan kailangan lang nating talasan ang ating mga panramdam at handang tanggapin ang mga katotohanan.
 
current mood: contemplative

reunion

kakagaling ko lang sa SM kasi nagkita kami ng bestfriend ko after 6 months na hindi na kami nagkikita. andaming nangyari sa anim na buwan...
 
i must say na hindi na kami katulad ng dati which is sad pero ok naman kami yun nga lang may iba na. naisip ko na naman ang mga pagbabago ng mga tao kasabay ng pagbabago ng panahon.
 
nakakalungkot pero ito ay isang katotohanang hindi na ata nagbabago. parang you just have to live with it. :sigh:
 
parang bumaliktad ang mga pangyayari sa aming dalawa. dati ako ang laging problemado, sya yung masayahin at walang masyadong iniisip sa buhay. ngayon ako na ang walang masyadong problema at masayahin, sya naman ang problemado ngayon. naninibago ako, di ako sana'y na ganito kami.
 
pero sabi nya na sana'y na raw sya sa ganon. pinili nya ang maging ganon. sabi ko naman pwede nya pa namang baguhin ang lahat pero hindi, kahit paano dun daw sya masaya. hinayaan ko sya, matanda na kami at alam na nya ang ginagawa nya.
 
sana mas maayos kami sa susunod na pagkikita, alam ko may mga problema sya kaya naiintindihan ko naman. sana bumalik na ang lahat sa dati... kahit imposible na.

endings

Current Music: Sana'y Wala nang Wakas

lunchtime, setting: our tambayan. an orgmate was singing :

Kahit ilang awit ay aking aawitin
Hanggang ang himig ko'y
maging himig mo na rin
Kahit ilang dagat ang dapat tawirin
Higit pa riyan ang aking gagawin

through out the day i kept on thinking about the song.

night time; setting: bedroom. i found myself watching the telenovela or drama series or whatever you call it, entitled "Sana'y Wala nang Wakas" topbilled by Jericho Rosales, Kristine Hermosa, Diether Ocampo and Angelica dela Cruz. our television set in the bedroom doesn't have cable and i hate to get up and change the channel (no remote control either; kapamilya ako e!) that is why I opted to watch this telenovela's ending. I hate endings. but i also love them...

I hate them because they always make me cry. Being a non-follower of the said series i don't really care who end up with who but  before the revelation of the couple i found myself crying. i always cry at endings, there is this sad feeling that i always feel... i don't know why. I remembered when American Idol (fantasia's time), Starstruck Teens and so many other programs ended, i cried. call me stupid, call me sentimental, call me a cry baby but i like the feeling...

I love endings, they denote a begining of something new. and an ending to an overdue program like this one : P

about the ending of their story, well everybody expected that ara and christian would end up with each other. but i don't really care... i just hope the new telenovela is a worthwhile watch, so i can watch something that will start and eventually will end. yet another ending to come...

bading

i have nothing against badings, actually may mga friends ako na bading (at ang tawag ng marami sa org namin ay org ng mga bading) at mahal ko sila. pero ang magka-crush ako sa bading, wait lang pag-iisipan ko.
 
nagtext yung friend ko sa'kin kanina-nina lang. nakita nya raw yung crush ko at sobrang nababadingan nga raw sya. di ko naman ikinukubli na bading sya, kasi yun ang totoo, BADING SYA. nung una naming pagkikita, ewan ko ba, nabulag ata ako at parang hindi ko nakita na bading sya.hanggang sa andami kong natuklasan at yun nga ang isa dun e bading sya. bulag pa rin ako pero recently hindi na. pero ewan ko gusto ko pa rin sya, like ko sya kung baga pero hindi ko sya crush.
 
para kasi sa'kin magkaiba yung crush at like mo ang isang tao. siguro kung naging straight sya at tumangkad sya kahit kunti baka crush ko na sya ngayon hehe.

"will you be my girlfriend?"

walang nagtanong sa'kin yan at lalo namang hindi ko tinanong yan kung kanino headscratch... yan ang sinabi ng karakter ni patrick garcia sa karakter ni shaina magdayao sa 'seasons of love' kanina. syempre napag-isip agad ako... kung magkaka 1st boyfriend kaya ako tatanungin nya rin kaya ako ng ganyan. o bigla ko na lang sasabihin sa kanya na mahal ko na rin sya... pero hanggang ngayon puro iniisip ko lang yan kasi wala pa naman siya e.
 
sa gulang kong ito you can't help but wonder kung kelan ba siya dadating. ito na kasi ang panahon kung kelan yung mga kaibigan mo e isa-isa nang nagiging attached habang ikaw e flowing in your own world, world of being single. ito ang panahon kung kelan may umaaligid-aligid na sa friends mo habang sa'yo wala pa... *sigh* inaamin ko minsan na rarattle ako pero sa dami ng ginagawa ko e minsan e parang wala na syang epekto sa'kin.
 
ito ka na naman e...